I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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