Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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