Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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