I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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