The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
