what day is it and did you see me today?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
