I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
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