Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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