Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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