I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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