he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I did not marry a roomba.
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