Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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