exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
