in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
