I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
