when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
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Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
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I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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