life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging