The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
