idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
