Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
