I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
