I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
