I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
