The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
