The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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