Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
