I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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