Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
