Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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