She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
