I'd wear matching sweaters with you
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
