Will you blow on my dice?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My pussy is not your playground.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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