I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
