I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You ruined the universe
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
