You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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