Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
