it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
