this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
