Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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