There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
