I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
