Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
