Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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