I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
