I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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