I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
