Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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