i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
