Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
