I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
