If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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