My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
