Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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