its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
