i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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