Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
