I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
This is the high leading the old right now
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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